I am an aged-out youth from foster care that is lucky, and when I say this, I am not using this term loosely. How the system has constantly plagued and destroyed children and families is a tragedy. To think that one would be taken out of the care of an adult struggling to look after you and then be placed into a hostile and volatile environment with individuals who are not fit is saddening. There are ongoing issues within the system, problems that scratch way further down than just the tip of the surface.
I always thought it was just me and my foster sister’s problem. I felt we were the only ones to encounter certain injustices, such as being treated less than others or beaten for no reason. Unfortunately, through engaging with others that came out of this brutal and deadly system, we were not the only ones. It happens much more than you think it does, but most of us are not afforded the opportunity, the voice, or the platforms to speak out.
Some of us are often stifled, and our confidence and self-esteem are often shattered at the ages when normal childhood development occurs. Too often than not, we are in survival mode before we even have the opportunity to walk, stifling our ability to fully grow and flourish.
How can we develop ourselves if we are snatched from our biological parents while they attempt to get themselves together within a system that constantly criminalizes them? This is not about those that blatantly abuse their children either because, by all means, criminalize them. It is about the mom who has her own trauma, has not gotten the time to unpack it, and is possibly struggling through poverty and mental health due to postpartum depression.
Still, her children are her sources of joy. How can a system criminalize her instead of looking more into supporting her? While I know the foster system has come a long way from where it started, the damage is still done and is reflected through the statistics that plague the youth that age out of care yearly and transition into incarceration, homelessness, and/or death.
The youth who age out have the burden of beating those odds and still have to deal with struggling to stay afloat because they’ve been cut off from their biological family for as long as they have been alive. So, while they may have gained some foster parents or some staff as family, what can replace that maternal bond stripped from them when they were young? How can they realize their full potential if they have never, in fact, felt safe?
I would be lying if I said I could remember all the times my social worker came to visit me as a child. Still, I do remember one instance, in particular, where I was coerced by my foster mother before the social worker even arrived. This was not new to me because it was the same threat that I would face when I was taken to the hospital and told not to “red flag” the doctor or the dentists of my injuries sustained by my foster mother. My social worker came in that day and asked me if I was safe. At that moment, I was not too far away from my foster mother, who I was mortified by. What else could I say other than what I had been coached to say five minutes prior?
I never saw that lady again. But the same situation occurred again, as an older adopted child watching my foster mother swindle my new foster — soon to be adopted — sister. I saw her suddenly allow my sister the ability to play with all her toys when others came around instead of the one she would be designated to play with every couple of days if my foster mother was in a good mood. I observed how she turned into this beautiful bundle of joy and light that loved her state children, and spoiled and loved them every chance that she got. I watched her pretend as if my foster sister had behavioral issues, since they were already noted in her chart from a previous placement, when she was terrorizing and abusing my sister and me daily. I witnessed the social worker believe the narrative and not care to investigate more into our living situation, as the picture she drew was perfect in her mind.
As I write this, I am breaking down because clearly, neither of us knew what safety was. We would have significantly benefited from being with someone who truly cared about us. But sadly, no one did. Maybe someone did care, but their rights were taken away, or they were family members that were cut off from us so long ago that they don’t know where to begin to look.
The Family First Prevention Services Act promotes foster placement with family or close friends (kin) rather than in group homes. But it is about doing research and evaluating the homes before placing children there. I was put in a home with some who claimed to be extended family members, but I still have yet to prove they were related to me. They abused me worse than any other placement I had been in that was not of kin to me. So, I want to say that making more of an effort to find actual maternal placements and even close friends that the child feels safe in is imperative.
After being made out to feel unlovable, misunderstood and problematic, you eventually believe it. Finally, those behavioral issues manifest, and you can do nothing but sit in it and embrace it because you have been scapegoated and broken down for so long that you think it’s a defect in you. You do not realize the many other children like you who have fought through the system and those homes.
For my foster sister and I, who were already treated worse than inmates in our household, it was no surprise that we would both at least see the inside of a woman’s correctional facility before we were 17. Luckily, that system did not keep us there, but it is one that so many of us fight so hard not to reenter for the rest of our lives. We fight to not be conditioned, and then drilled and chained into adult prisons because we are viewed as adults in a juvenile system that failed us. It makes you question everyone and their intentions, makes you less relatable to people around you, and cuts you off from those who could have had the opportunity to love you but did not. Remember that when taking another child into the system and looking at their documents.
Social workers are anxious to place youth anywhere because they do not have the time due to highly demanding job duties or a large caseload. May they look to keep families together, if possible, and not separate siblings. May they look to maternal placements that do not mind participating in resources that help build healthy dynamics. May they stop criminalizing mothers struggling to stay afloat because of a lack of resources and support. Lastly, may they stop seeing the mothers’ offspring as criminals or problems and see them as we see everyone else’s children, and offer them love and support.
