Content warning: This article mentions eating disorders.
When people talk about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), they hardly talk about how it can develop from your childhood experiences. I’ve had the term “PTSD” attached to my medical and case files since I was a child. I didn’t realize the impact that PTSD had on my daily life until I finally got an apartment. The night I moved in, I sat on the floor and stared at my wall. I didn’t feel joy or excitement. I was uncomfortable. It didn’t feel real and, for some reason, I started losing it. I felt everything and nothing at once. I had to touch every wall to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I didn’t sleep that night because I felt like I had to make sure no one came in. I finally had somewhere to call home and I never had that before.
I’ve dealt with panic attacks throughout my life. However, after moving into my new apartment, the panic attacks became more frequent to the point where I started blacking out. It was really embarrassing because I started losing friends. My eating disorder also came back and I stopped keeping my space clean. I hated everything about myself and I had no motivation. I remember sitting in the mirror literally telling myself, “The only person who’s capable of fixing this is you, dude. Get help.”
I’ve been in therapy my whole life so I knew the process of getting help. But I had to really accept that I needed it. I tried to imagine what my life would be like if I felt better about myself and my inner child received the love it needed. I started researching to find out which mental health organizations accepted my health insurance. I went to different dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) groups and practicing therapists until I found somewhere that made me feel safe. It’s really important to know you do not have to stick with the first therapist you find or group you attend. Your healing journey is on your terms.
I found a therapist I really connected with and slowly started exposing what I was unsure of. I needed to tell someone everything because, at that point, I felt like I was going to explode with rage. It was so refreshing to be heard. I learned that I had to treat myself how I would if I was taking care of the child version of me. My PTSD developed from abuse and neglect from my parents so I needed to retrain my mind to adjust to living in a safe environment. I started with developing a routine because I needed to feel some type of stability. It takes two weeks to develop a habit so I started with washing dishes every night until I did it without thinking. Then I added more routines and adjusted where I felt was necessary. I now have a morning, night and Sunday routine.
How you talk to yourself also has more of an effect on you than you’d think. I grew up never being encouraged which led to feelings of worthlessness. Now, I talk to myself like I wish my mom or dad would’ve. Every morning, I do my hair and tell myself that I’m worth something and to never let anyone tell me otherwise. When I drop something, I tell myself that mistakes happen and that it’s really not a big deal. I only say things to myself that I’d be okay with telling my future children. I talk to my inner child because that is the part of me that has been hurt.
Even with routine and self-talk, I still have flashbacks and days where I can’t get out of bed. This is when my coping methods come into play. Coping skills are another way of giving yourself love. My favorite coping methods are “opposite to emotion” and meditation. “Opposite to emotion” is when you do the opposite of what you feel. If I feel like sitting in bed, I get up and make coffee or walk outside. When I feel like I’m getting overstimulated, I go into a dark room and focus on one noise. If I’m in public or at a friend’s house, I go into the bathroom, turn off the light, close my eyes and run the sink. Using these skills helps me stay grounded to this day.
I am still in therapy and probably will be for a while. The healing process is not pretty. You’ll still feel depressed and empty sometimes. You’re also going to start to feel a different type of peace that you didn’t know existed. Healing from childhood trauma is gut wrenching and raw. You’re going to cry, scream, and maybe rip some stuff up and that’s okay. Those emotions have been held inside you since you were a child. You need to express all the emotions you’ve been forced to hide. When you do express them, make sure you have some type of skill to pull yourself back into reality. The reality about healing is that there’s no answer or cheat code to make it happen. It’s patience, self-love and anything else you need to make it through life in a healthy way. It’s not something that happens overnight. Give yourself the love you’ve been neglected because the only person who is going to heal you is yourself.
